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March 1, 2007

The Poot

I take a weekly Spanish class. It just started, this was week two. I enjoy getting out and am eager to improve my Spanish. I know a little and can understand more than I can communicate but it is mostly conversations/gutter Spanish. I don't know how to conjugate verbs or anything like that.

Unfortunately, this last time I went I was having some... er, digestional problems. A bit of a delay in performance, you could call it. I tried to hurry things along in the privacy of my own home before I left for class, but my efforts lay no fruit (pun intended). This concerned me a bit, 'cause I'm not one to enjoy a long squat in a public restroom, but thankfully I felt fine and took off on my merry way.

It is a small class. I can recognize each face, starting to put some identifying information together on each person. The countrygirl, the retiree, the business man, the social worker, laborer, traveler... I have to give my face an imaginary slap every now and then to concentrate and not to people watch. Half-way through class we had a little break. I joked a bit asking, Donde esta el bano... One of the women, a social worker, told me in broken Spanish and we har-har-har'd about it. A woman I met the first week, nice, trailed me to the bathroom. We made small talk as I maneuvered the somewhat confusing path to the bathroom.

We went in. It was small, two stalls. I chose the farthest one. It was quiet. I don't know what it is about bathrooms. You know why people go in there. But there is some unwritten rule of etiquette that requires women to be as discreet and quiet about their business. 'Cause goodness knows, the stall door will fall in if unwrapping your maxi-pad creates more than a ripple when you tear the crinkly wrapper off. There's the cover-ups for sound in a room with acoustics fit for an opera. The endless fumbling with the toilet paper to cover the echo of pee hitting water in the bowl. The "ahem" or cough (pause) coughcough to cover turd missiles. But worse of all? The sound nobody wants to make and doesn't always give you time to think of an accompaniment?

Poot.

Yes, the dreaded gas passage which, you guessed it, I did. After we had both settled on the toilets. Both had done the toilet paper unrolling. Muttered a couple uncomfortable words to each other (is it OK to talk to someone who isn't your friend while your pants are around your ankles and your butt is hanging in the can). Then, there was nothing but silence. I tried to pee, but my bladder was shy. Once I relaxed enough to pee my body showed relief in a short, audible poot. I guess the pressure build up was too much.

My mouth blurted an excuse. "Oops, sorry." What was that?!! Sorry? You pooted in a bathroom, for goodness sake. Ah well. Girl didn't say anything, and from the sound of silence I figured our Spanish Class Friendship had come to an abrupt end. Just like my poot.

Comments

It is all about perspective to me. I used to worry about stuff like that myself, especially being obese. I put myself through hell thinking about what others were thinking about when I entered; when I sat; when I left the stall and they went in, if it was odiforous in the bathroom, did they think it was me; how long I washed at the faucet; etc., etc., etc. Then, my husband had surgey for cancer. The hospital bathroom became a second home for me. I brushed my teeth there, did my hair there, and so much more. But, the gravity of the situation did a lot to cure me of worrying about bathroom stuff...just because of the nature of why we were there. I still think of it from time to time, but I am not near as bad as I used to be.

My husband has even noticed the change and it has been 2.5 years ago. We recently were going to repaint our bathroom and what started out as a simple project has turned into a remodeling. He was worried about how I would "take the news". I told him the worst day of my life was hearing that he had cancer. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. It is all about perspective.

Just remember...we are all human and we all poot, no matter what anyone says. I am a nurse, so I should know!!! HA-HA! I have heard the best!

Posted by: Karla | March 2, 2007 8:40 AM

Aww Karla. Bathroom noises are perfectly normal to me, four boys, one husband and a gassy daughter. They just seems so *forbidden* in a public restroom, heh.

Posted by: Groovy Mom | March 2, 2007 9:12 AM

I am still relatively new at my job and I don't really feel I know most of the people well enough yet that I could poot while sharing a bathroom with them and not be completely mortified. However, I do work with a woman who will gladly sit on the toilet and chat with you while she poots freely and she never makes any apologies for the poots.

Of course, she rarely makes apologies when she poots in other parts of the building, which is a frequent occurrence.

Anyway, one night I was giving one of my coworkers a ride home and I had to go ... #2 ... Bad ... So bad that I didn't think I was going to make it home. I had finally settled on the fact that I was going to have to make an emergency stop at Denny's when suddenly my coworker said, "I really have to pee."

Well that was it ... I couldn't stop at Denny's. Because I had figured on my coworker waiting in the truck ... But if she was going to go in with me ... NO WAY! So I dropped her off at her house and THANK GOD her apartment complex is directly behind mine so it didn't take me much longer to get home ... I parked my truck and ran up the stairs to my apartment as fast as my fat legs would carry me.

I'm happy to say, I made it. It was touch and go there for a while.

I used to carry matches at my old job since there was only one bathroom with one toilet ... But there were no secrets there anyway, because when you came out everyone could either smell your business, or the match. And everyone knew that the match was covering up your business. So basically, everyone knew your business whether you liked it or not. That could be very embarrassing.

Posted by: Lauren | March 2, 2007 11:35 AM

Cripes! I am laughing so hard! And my daughter just barged in and wanted to know what I was laughing at. Tee hee!

Posted by: Melissa R. Garrett | March 2, 2007 6:47 PM

Humans are so weird...
What i find more disturbing are men who carry reading materials to the bathroom....that's just weird....and how do you pee whilst holding your penis and your boss walks in... you know? i'm glad i'm a girl.

Posted by: notfearingchange | March 3, 2007 1:02 PM

A note for "notfearingchange":
Men don't take reading materials into the bathroom when all they have to do is pee.

Posted by: Lauren | March 4, 2007 10:09 AM

Added your site to this link building list.

Posted by: snuz | March 7, 2007 11:05 AM